Acceptance

I cried in the middle of the work day yesterday.  Cried because I felt overwhelmed with all my new responsibilities and cried because of the heart ache from another failed relationship that at the time I was still holding on to. 
That heartache is something that was pervading all aspects of my life. a mild depression  was growing from that emotional wound. I found myself feeling unworthy and ineffective.  Being positive was annoying. It seemed as if the  gray stormy skies lurked in my existence.

I acc
Now I'm cynical of love and romance.

Lessons learned

Don't really know where I want to go with this. I have a lot going on  and have so much to do but the punctures in my heart are dominating my thoughts. 
Ughhh. I don't not think I let my self fall so easily or give myself so freely. But those who I have been in romantic relationships have a special way of getting beneath my skin and I obsess on them.
I'm not good at compartmentalization.  If one thing is bothering me I can't just place that in a box and not let it pervade other aspects of my life.  I live holistically and fluidly. A failing relationship and my emotions from that do impact everything else.

Maybe I'm coming to terms with how poor my work ethic is.  And how much I need to work on focusing and delivering.  I've been so upset about a non communicative boyfriend and its distracting me from my class room demands,  my school work and well my life in front of me.   All this rainy weather has made me so mahalang.

I really do need to just develop stronger task oriented habits.  Grading, lesson planning, taking ownership of my classroom is a full time job.   I also have so much work to complete for my Masters. A packet to complete for a conference I want to attend in Samoa.  Delegation forms for festpac for my traditional healing family.  I miss working out regularly too.

My heart will be better off beating for those important and nourishing things. My immediate Attention is required. So yea, my  disappointment with others I entrusted my feelings with needs to fuel my work to move onwards and upwards.

So may I cut off those things holding me back and sharpen my skills needed to become more effective. 

Regular routines

After only a week of being a 4th grade teacher a major weakness of my is being revealed. It has been amplified majorly with 21 nine year olds around.  I don't now nor have I really ever had a regular daily routine. 
I never eat at the same time or have an expected flow of the days events. I shower and shit when I need to... taking birth Control was never a good thing because I never remembered to take it. Laundry doesn't have a special day it gets done every week. I don't drink coffee, tea or make my bed regularly. 
I do so many things all the time I just do not schedule them.
This lack of a regular routine has negatively impacted my efficiency and effectiveness.  Going with the flow and I'll go where the wind blows mentality does not work for teaching kids. They need structure, routine, predictability. I need to be better at planning ahead and being prepared.
All things I've struggled with. The challenge of creating structure for my classroom will hopefully spill over to my personal life. Lord knows I need more structure especially for my son. 

Håfa yu bai chogue

So this post is extremely personal.
I'm in the middle of figuring out what to do with a relationship that I am discontent with.  I have so much love for my current partner. Our connection is undeniable and there is so much potential with our love. However I find myself over thinking things and giving so much of myself with out much in return. It is a long distance relationship. Those challenges are usually met with open and constant communication.  That just isn't happening, many external circumstances(storms, lost phones, no power) have put barriers between us and our digital lines of communication.  Ultimately I just need to be real with myself and know that the real problem lies with my partner. I am just not a priority.  He is just a poor communicator.  I am not emotionally needy. In the first month of our unplanned long distance relationship he reached out to me less the  10 tens via phone, email or social media. So many messages were left with no reply.  So many phone calls never returned. I kept my phone as a constant companion I  the hopes that they would reach out to me.  Some many times I was left in the dark. I was scolded for tracking them down at their work phone after almost 2 weeks of absolutely no communication.
I do not feel like I am expecting much, a message here or there wishing me a good day or night,  a phone call every few days just to hear their voice. It's simple I just want to be with someone e who wants to hear about my day and is excited to tell me about theirs.
I know I deserve nothing less.

How to proceed forward is where I am at right now.

Classroom Chaos

Today was my first day teaching 4th Grade at Agana Heights Elementary School on Guam. I feel like I just survived a typhoon. The students were so rambunctious and rowdy. There are 21 hyperactive 9 and 10 year olds.  I was pretty much plopped in the classroom. It's more than half way through the 1st quarter and it is obvious that there hasn't been much structure for the class. My classroom management skills have always needed improvement and today was a big fat reminder of that.
Keeping the students on task, getting their attention,  keeping them to speak in turn, keeping them in their seats,  keeping it together was all difficult! I almost lost it. I need to lay the law down and be strict.  Establishing that order and structure is so important from the get go. I also do t have all the resources I need just yet.. I need to be patient with the school system to get me set  i need up electronically. I need to be patient t with the school in providing me with the support I need. I need to be patient t with my students. I need to be patient t with myself.
There are 1000 things I need to do. And transitioning always takes a while.

I know things will get better as time goes on and I find my groove.  Today though was exhausting.  And i just need a nap.

Professional Procrastinator

I start working full time in the classroom tomorrow. And I have to work on my syllabus, clean my room, write a welcome letter to my 4th grade students and lesson plan.  Instead of doing any of those tasks, I have been doing what I do best... procrastinating. Ive been binge watching Maori movies and TV shows.  They are all so good.

This blog is supposed to help me to focus. Focus on my work and studies.  I also hope with in the month of October to complete my MA thesis proposal for the Micronesian Studies Program at the University of Guam. Im three years into the program and only half way done. If I complete the thesis proposal and do my comprehensive exam I can finish my Masters by December of 2016. It is my goal to do so.  I also need to look into getting my full teaching certificate. That is if I want to continue teaching in the primary and secondary level. With my masters i would be eligible to teach post-secondary.

Whatever it is I choose to do in the future...I need to work towards and begin by stopping drooling over Matariki Whatarau!

Purpose-Peace, Productivity and Progress

Learning, Loving, Living and Laughing

I am three months away from my 30th birthday and I am feeling a deep desire to reflect. I am staring this blog as way to facilitate that reflection process.  In the last few days of my second decade I find myself struggling with establishing healthy day to day habits.  Trying to live in this modern world consciously and whole heartedly has many hurdles. As I transition from my 20's to 30's I want to be as effective of a person as possible. Through out this past decade I have moved too many times to count, have had so many different jobs and have had one too many unhealthy romantic relationships. Consistency and commitment are things I can work on.  

Optimum health and total wellness are my absolute life goal. Its simple I just want all of us to be healthy and happy. Period. One major reason for beginning this blog is to track my progress in all aspects of my life -my work, my studies, my spirituality and my physical transformation.  I want to propel my life forward.  So this blog is incredibly personal and really not meant for anyone other than myself. 

Holistic living, traditional Chamoru healing arts, the demilitarization  and decolonization efforts of the Pacific, historic preservation, environmental sustainability, culutral heritage, and education are all major passions of mine. Much of my energy is spent pushing these causes through various community efforts. Service brings me so much purpose and really enriches my life with meaningful relationships and experiences.   Many of my forthcoming entries will highlight these passions and hopefully just be a place to be critical and express my thoughts.  

Writing has always been a therapy for me, but again I have never been consistent with it.  I also have a love/hate relationship with the academic writing process. Developing this blog a place to turn to just write and get things off my mind will hopefully help me to organize my life.